Relationship hacks for surviving lockdown with your partner
After eight months straight of living, working and socialising at home, is it any wonder that our relationships are under strain like never before?
Indeed, over half of people say they have felt angry with loved ones due to the stress of Covid-19, 31 per cent think their relationship has deteriorated in the pandemic, and online searches for divorce information are on the rise.
So for all the struggling couples out there trying to navigate this full-time intimacy, don’t despair. Help is at hand to guide you and your relationship through these difficult times.
Deal with any anxieties together
We are all feeling anxious for one reason or another. We may be worrying about the unknown future, finding it hard to sleep and concerned about what will happen next. If you and your partner are both aligned in your anxiety, you could be helping each other to make mountains out of molehills. If you are differentiated, one partner may be frustrated that the other is seeing the world so differently. This could cause the relationship to start to drift apart.
Relationship hack: Be open and honest about what you are both feeling and ensure that the anxiety is being listened to. Work together to see what can be done to lessen that anxiety and bring more certainty into your lives.
Tell them if they’re irritating you
Being locked in with your partner 24/7 without escape is a great opportunity to develop your relationship, free of distractions. It can also become a living hell. Your focus may drift all those things that they do that annoy you: the messy sink, shoes across the floor, unequal distribution of household chores. Little things can build to become profoundly irritating, until you take this out on each other with arguments, shouting matches and huffs.
Relationship hack: Raise these minor irritations before they fester. Talk about them in the format of “When you leave your shoes across the floor, I feel annoyed and worried that I will trip up in the dark”, rather than “You are so messy and inconsiderate, clear up those shoes now”.
Support each other
Our world has suddenly changed and become much more unpredictable. We may now be fulfilling the role of partner, parent, teacher, and worker all in our home space. This is really hard to cope with and makes us less resilient. Many of us feel overwhelmed as we no longer know which way is up and what the priorities are in this new landscape. Your partner is likely to have similarly acute pressures and be responding in very different ways which could be a source of tension.
Relationship hack: Accept that your partner is different and will be coping as best they can. Be clear on the activities and decisions that you are jointly responsible for and agree who is doing what and what the priorities are. Talk to each other about your own “overwhelm list” and see how you can support each other.
Stop arguments escalating
With both of you in such close quarters, arguments can quickly escalate: each of you get activated and move into prehistoric fight, flight or freeze mode. When this happens adrenaline will flood your body, your heart rate rises, and the brain and hearing become less able to process. This means arguments are pointless as you won’t be heard.
Relationship aack: Agree “pause” signals, ideally a clear gesture or unusual word. When this is triggered, you will both pause the argument. You will go and do something else for at least 20 minutes and then come back and discuss the issue at a convenient time.
Create clarity
Finally, remember that when we are feeling under pressure or overwhelmed, we can retreat into our own world and do a tortoise impersonation, rejecting our partner. Alternatively, we can crave comfort but not ask for it, as we assume that our partner can read our mind and knows exactly what we are feeling and what we want.
Relationship hack: Accept that your partner cannot read your mind. Clearly ask for what you want — that way you might actually get it. It will also give your partner real clarity on how they can help.
This is a challenging time for all of us, but with the right tools and a bit of patience, relationships that weather the Covid storm can emerge stronger than ever.
Main image credit: Getty