Sketch: How to communicate effectively (according to the UK government)
As the government unveils its latest lockdown restrictions through Twitter, James Warrington imagines comms discussions in the heart of Westminster
At a time of national crisis, it’s crucial to communicate effectively. Can you imagine if, at the height of a pandemic, the public didn’t know what was going on? Unthinkable, I know, but it’s a risk we run if we don’t get our comms strategy down to a T.
Fortunately, the government has been a glowing example of clear communications. Spearheaded by Dominic Cummings – sorry, I mean Boris Johnson – the UK’s coronavirus strategy has always been on point.
So let’s take a leaf out of their playbook, shall we? Here’s how to communicate effectively, from those who do it bestest.
1. Brief the newspapers
Ok, this might sound like an old trick, but hear me out. You know newspapers? They’re a bit like books, except a new one comes out every day and they’re a lot less interesting. Pick a journalist from one of those – the one you hate the least – and tell them everything you know.
This will ensure that the British public hears about your apocalyptic new lockdown policy through those wretched rags, not through you. That way, if they don’t like it, they’ll blame it all on Murdoch, or whoever it is that owns newspapers these days. Genius.
Actually – and this is important – don’t tell them everything. Just tell them some of it. Even better, tell different things to different newspapers. This will ensure a blanket of sheer confusion that should keep everyone busy for a couple of days. Then you can sweep in and clarify everything. Or just completely reverse your policy. See how you’re feeling on the day.
Disclaimer: This strategy may cause you to be sued by the entire hospitality industry, but you can’t win ‘em all.
2. Use social media
You may have heard of Twitter. It’s a social media platform where people wilfully dilute complex topics into ludicrously over-simplified opinions and then proceed to shout at each other about them.
Anyone who’s anyone (i.e. politicians and journalists) uses Twitter, so it’s a great place for us to discuss the big issues that matter to the wider population.
In fact, Twitter is so great that we might as well just use it for all announcements. Sending a tweet is as easy as awarding a multimillion-pound PPE contract to your mate’s company and it’s a lot less faff than a press conference, where you have to deal with journalists interrupting your speech with “questions”.
Instead, brief a bunch of local MPs via Zoom and let them tweet out the latest life-altering policy themselves.
Not only does this strategy absolve you of any responsibility, it’s also a great way to rub Labour MPs up the wrong way. Win-win.
(NB Identifying the right local MPs to brief can be a challenge – especially with those pesky northern cities – so make sure you make use of Google Maps and/or Wikipedia. We were intrigued to learn, for example, that Wigan (sp?) is a town in Greater Manchester. Every day’s a school day.)
3. Run some crass adverts
Here in government, we like to learn from our mistakes.
Last year we got quite a bit of stick for our ‘Get Ready for Brexit’ campaign, which apparently didn’t really contain anything of value.
But we won’t be making the same mistake again, absolutely not. Focus groups tell us that advertising is all about catching people’s attention, so that’s the new strategy. Don’t say we can’t adapt!
Take our advert about a ballet dancer called Fatima, for example. As thousands of people in the creative industries face losing their jobs, we thought it would be helpful to suggest that Fatima’s next job could be in cyber (though she may not know it yet! Ha!)
This was a great way of showing how determined we are to save even the most frivolous jobs, as well as doing a cheeky bit of recruitment for GCHQ. Two birds, one stone.
I’m told the advert was “trending” on Twitter today, which presumably shows just how effective it was.