The comedy crayons have been conjuring chaos again. This time, Planet Crypto‘s imagineers have pictured Sam Bankman-Fried’s former lady friend Caroline Ellison under some unusual protection. Remember, it’s just a bit of fun…
When he leaked Caroline Ellison’s diary to the press, Sam Bankman-Fried was accused of witness-tampering and intimidation. She is, of course, his former lover and now star witness for the prosecution in the FTX founder’s trial on charges of fraud and money laundering.
Now, in a dramatic response, the trial’s judge has ordered that the only way to reliably protect Ms Ellison from further tampering, is to place her in a giant tamper-proof bottle.
Planet Crypto’s law correspondent, Grant Bale, explained why such drastic measures seem necessary.
“During his time under house arrest, Sam Bankman-Fried has proven to be more slippery than a bar of soap made from eels,” Bale said.
“When the judge banned him from using the internet, he used a VPN to get around it. When the judge banned him from using a smartphone, he used his parents’ smartphones instead. When the judge banned him from contacting witnesses, he leaked their private writing.
“Eventually, the judge has decided that the only way to reliably protect Caroline Ellison is to place her in a six foot tall tamper-proof bottle of the type that stops children enjoying bleach and Prozac for dinner.
“The judge has decreed that the bottle should be hidden somewhere that Sam Bankman-Fried is unlikely to visit… so it’s going in a health food shop. Nevertheless, armed guards will patrol the bottle 24 hours a day and they’ll be especially listening out for that clicking noise that tells you someone is trying to unscrew the cap.
“For her part, Caroline Ellison seems thankfully unfazed by the prospect of several months in a bottle. ‘I spent two years working at Alameda’, she told me. ‘I’m used to feeling trapped and in the dark.’”