Planet Crypto’s satire-laden paint-slingers have had the slapstick paintbrushes out. And, once again, FTX founder Sam Bankman-Fried is their muse of the day. Remember, it’s just a bit of fun…
Disgraced CEO Sam Bankman-Fried has demanded more time to investigate ‘eight billion people who are more responsible for the collapse of FTX’ than him, court officials say today.
SBF, who has been imprisoned for breaching his bail terms, is demanding that he be allowed to breach his bail terms, so that he can blame other people for his company’s failure.
“Lack of access to computers is hampering my efforts to establish the guilt of everyone in the world apart from me. My trial is due to start in October,” bleated SBF over a prison wall, “and it takes time to blame everybpdy else – particularly the innocent ones!”
When pressed, SBF whined, “Yes, I DID do all the stuff they’re saying I did – co-mingling the funds, defrauding the investors, cooking the books, but that doesn’t mean I’m to blame. My parents instilled my values, so they are bang to rights. I mean, I love them, but they need to be in jail.”
And there are others, whom the hedge-haired CEO is lining up for wrongdoing.
“Then there’s anyone I worked with that didn’t stop me. They are clearly culpable. Not forgetting people-that-I-passed-on-the-street… they had plenty to say about my sheep-like hair-do – but no-one said anything about my financial doings. They carry a heavy burden of responsibility.
“But then there’s also Bilal, a three-year old boy in Pakistan that I’ve never met”, SBF continued. “He’s clearly more to blame than I am, but if I have no access to a computer, home cooked meals, and a comfortable bed, how am I going to investigate how this toddler orchestrated a multi-billion dollar fraud? That’s why I need to be released from prison.”
As a final plea bargain. SBF continued, “What if Bilal is put in prison in my place? …Come on, I’m trying to work out a compromise here? How else can Justice be served?”