Why not sow your wild oats on Valentine’s Day?
STRIKE US down with Cupid’s bow, it’s Valentine’s Day. Have you bought your roses? Booked a table? Handcrafted a wood burning stove and baked your loved one some pink cookies? Well, with all that covered we thought we’d bring you a kind of anti-Valentine’s guide. It’s the best of the worst gimmicks being circulated this year.
1. Wake up to a bowl of love porridge
The canny people at FUEL YOUR 10K HOURS (yes, that’s the brand name) have developed the most romantic breakfast cereal known to man, cunningly titled Morning Glory. “The ultimate in on-the-go breakfast for early risers, the ‘sex pot’ contains added protein, fibre and herbal viagra to keep busy commuters energised all day.” Wahey!
2. Nothing says “I love you” quite like a financial compatibility test
Yes, thanks to SavvyWoman.co.uk you and your loved one can take the test together to make sure you’re a financial match in heaven. Answer questions like this verbal aphrodisiac: “Do you split the bills in a way that you each think is fair?” Who needs Paris when you’ve got pensions?
3. Follow in Casanova’s lovesteps and embrace pesto
It seems the world’s most famous lothario was a fan of pine nuts and used to “swallow 100 every night before bed.” “Valentine’s? Stay in to make ‘aphrodisiac’ pesto sauce with loved one,” says Mary Balfour, MD of dating agency Drawing Down the Moon.
4. A special message from HM Revenue & Customs
“Roses are red, violets are blue; if your new love moves in, tell the taxman too.” Gee, thanks for reminding us about how falling in love and moving in with someone can alter our tax credits. That’s definitely a mood killer.
5. Victorian Valentine’s Cards (above)
Those Victorians knew how to insult someone on Valentine’s Day. The card on the left says, “I send you here, a little sketch, ’Tis just the thing for you; Your head is surely void of brains, And much they’re wanted too.” Swoon.
The card on the right has this: “My late dear wife preserved in a glass case, She was such a darling Pet, that I had her stuffed. Will you be my second?” Run.