An old man spends his last days in his bed. Weak yet resigned, he's ready to leave the world. He smells an aroma from the kitchen downstairs. The scent is an old, blended whisky that reminds him of his youth.
He just has to have one last nip.
Struggling out of bed, he crawls downstairs. Reaching the kitchen, with withering hand, he reaches up to sample the coveted bottle.
Suddenly his wife abruptly slaps his hand, shouting: “Sod off you old fool. That’s for the toasts at your funeral tomorrow!”
Like or loathe ‘em, the traditional toast is woven into the fabric of drinking tradition, especially when celebrating Christmas and Hogmanay. And the Scots, as the originators and connoisseurs of whisky, do it in time-honoured style.
So what are the best Scottish toasts that go hand-in-hand with the nation’s national drink?
For the sardonic:
“May those who love us love us.
And those that don't love us,
May God turn their hearts.
And if he doesn't turn their hearts,
May he turn their ankles,
So we'll know them by their limping.”
For the soppy:
“May the best you've ever seen,
Be the worst you'll ever see.
May a mouse never leave your girnal,
With a teardrop in his eye.
May you always keep hale and hearty,
Till you're old enough to die.
May you always be just as happy,
As we wish you always to be”
And for the satirical:
Here's tae us,
Who's like us?
And they're a' deid!
But the spirit of whisky lives on, both literally and in liquid form. For the nostalgic souls who fancied one last drop they will never gang dry.
Every second, 34 bottles are shipped globally from Scotland - that's around 1.16 billion bottles a year.
Just think of the millions of whisky toasts around the world.
Happy 2017 when it comes.