And lo, new chief executive John Cryan spent the morning outlining Strategy 2020, his plans to turn the bank around.
Here's a breakdown of his plans:
1. Cutting jobs - and clients
The bank will exit 10 countries, including Argentina, Chile, Mexico, Peru, Uruguay, Denmark, Finland, Norway, Malta and New Zealand, moving its trading to regional hubs.
It will cut 9,000 full-time jobs, plus 6,000 external contractor positions in its global technology and operations infrastructure functions.
It will also halve the number of clients in global markets and its investment bank, especially in "high-risk" countries. Its logic is that "approximately 30% of clients produce 80% of the revenues in these business divisions". If you say so...
It's also going to modernise its IT system. That old chestnut.
All this should save €3.8bn.
2. Improving its capitalisation
The bank said it will reduce risk weighted assets to €320bn by 2018, from €90bn now.
It will also scrap its divi for this year and next, and wind down its non-core operations by the end of next year.
It hopes this will raise its common equity tier 1 ratio to 12.5 per cent by the end of 2018, and its leverage ratio to 4.5 per cent.
3. Better behaviour
After the bank took a $2.5bn (£1.7bn) hit from Libor fines, Cryan got tough on its management team, cutting Deutsche's management board from 16 to six, and abolishing another layer by getting rid of its group executive committee.
Today Cryan added it will alter its reward system "to align reward more closely with performance and conduct". No kidding.
The bank will sell off its Postbank brand, as well as its 19.99 per cent stake in Hua Xia Bank in China, plus "other consumer finance portfolio measures in Europe". It reckons it can cut CRD4 leverage exposures by €140m and risk-weighted assets of €50bn from the disposals.