FINALLY! Proof that City traders aren’t all heartless: Danny Wilkinson, trader at an unidentified international broker, is today publishing a children’s book written with his aunt, Linda Wilkinson. The book, the first of a trilogy planned on “The Oonford Detective Agency”, was inspired by people Wilkinson has met during his 21 years on the trading floor. They now form the book’s cast: “A greedy dog, a bungling bear, a wily old fox and a super-intelligent aardvark.”

And author Linda Wilkinson – who wrote the text based on Danny’s ideas – has some career advice for her trader nephew: “He’s not an author – but he should be, he’s bloody good! He won’t listen to his aunt though.”

Wilkinson wouldn’t tell The Capitalist who exactly the characters are based on, but says they’re all real people: “The guy who’s the dog was always greedy, always nicking trades off people, nicking sandwiches – his nickname was ‘greedy’.” The wily fox, meanwhile, is “an old City gent, three-piece suit – likes a glass of port”. And the bear? “A bungling, loveable oaf.” But the Botox-obsessed villainess, he assured us, was entirely his aunt’s invention. Sure, we believe you, Danny!

Friends of BGC Partners David Buik and Howard Wheeldon might have been surprised to receive a note sent out yesterday from Buik disagreeing with close colleague Wheeldon’s preferred choice of Lord (George) Robertson to replace BP Chairman Carl-Henric Svanberg. “I have my doubts,” wrote Buik, “about whether (Robertson) is the most charismatic of individuals – solid yes – but inspirational, maybe not!”

Ever curious, The Capitalist rang up to ask Buik if this was the start of a provocative rivalry with his BGC colleague. Buik firmly denied the idea: “We always have some banter!” he said. “It’s just that without being too rude, I think Robertson is dull as dishwater – that’s all!”

Move quickly! The City is in the last phase of a consultation over whether to adopt new legislative rules that enable it to regulate sex entertainment venues in the square mile. In theory, the changes could lead to adult shows being banned completely. Currently, strip clubs aren’t regulated beyond having to obtain a licence for drink, dancing and adult-only entry, but the new rules mean that clubs would have to apply for a licence to display “nudity provided for the purpose of sexually stimulating a member of the audience”. Those affected would include clubs featuring “pole-dancing, lap-dancing, table-dancing, strip shows, peep shows and live sex shows”. That seems pretty clear – though it begs the question: is any club in the City really still showing Victorian-style peep shows? Arcane pleasures indeed.

Are you groaning at the prospect of huge rail fares rises under the government’s austerity Budget? It’s no wonder after the Rail, Maritime and Transport Union’s (RMT) bold announcement on Monday that the government plans to “bleed rail passengers dry” by jacking up fares 10 per cent. So how did the RMT come by this 10 per cent figure? Their press office told us: “Hammond said that it could be more than six per cent so it could be somewhere around 10 per cent. The figure hasn’t been estimated based on calculations.” Which, in the trade, is what we call “making it up”.