It’s almost Valentine’s Day, the yearly celebration of big kisses on the mouth, so you know what that means: candle-lit dinners, small boxes of chocolate cubes, asking your beloved to turn all the lights on and off in quick succession to create a strobe effect as you dance every kind of forbidden sex-dance there is.
But how can you ensure your annual expression of interspousal appreciation goes off without a hitch? I will tell you how: by following my nine simple tips for the perfect Valentine’s Day date, that’s how.
1. Eat their favourite flower in front of them very quickly
If you don’t know what their favourite flower is, just eat as many different kinds of flower as you can, stopping between each one to say “I hope that last flower I ate was your favourite flower”. Be sure to be already eating the next flower before they reply, until all of the flowers are eaten. Once the ritual is complete, burp the romantic phrase “I love to eat the flower you like”.
2. Pay a band to follow them around all day playing their favourite song
For an additional romantic twist, request that the band change all of the lyrics in the song to your partner’s name, repeated over and over again, louder and louder, until their instruments can no longer be heard above the maddening screams of the howling quartet.
3. Rename a couple of Tube stations to “I LOVE MY BOYFRIEND OR GIRLFRIEND VERY MUCH”
This is more affordable than you might think if you’re willing to take a station outside Zone 4.
4. Pay a skywriter to etch a romantic slogan in the sky
Use your imagination to really grab your lover’s attention. For example, try writing “CAN’T GET ENOUGH OF THE SWEET THING THAT IS KISSES” or “I AM THE CLOUDS AND I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT’S GOING ON”. Once the message is written, most skywriters will agree to romantically crash their plane into a mountain for a small additional fee.
5. Hold your breath until your partner pleads with you to stop
There is no more honest expression of love than your confused and panicking partner sobbing over your purple face as they desperately plead with you to resume breathing. But if, on the other hand, your partner allows you to expire, it was never meant to be.
6. Angrily show them old photographs of all of your exes
Spit on each one in turn, while saying means things like “these are the walking disasters whom I hate” or “this catalogue of despicable morons means nothing to me”. Throw the pile on the ground and stomp them with your foot to show that you really do hate all who have come before.
7. Send her an arrangement of flowers in the shape of their favourite dead pet
Accompany the flowers with an explanatory note, such as “Hello Denise, it’s me, the large horse you had as a child. Though I am dead, it is clear to me that Evan loves you very much.”
8. Hold hands while sending an angry tweet to their favourite train company
Tap out a furious tweet to Virgin Trains East Coast about their frankly unacceptable wi-fi speeds while taking firm hold of your lover’s hand. Once the tweet is sent, hurl your phone into the sea in a powerful metaphor for the inherent transience of love. Then have your partner hurl their phone into the sea in a second, less coherent metaphor.
9. Arrange your children in order of how likely they are to die in a tragic bear mauling
Once they’re all standing in a row, call your wife or husband into the room, place your hands on your hips and declare “finally we know who will die first when the bears come”.