TRADERS SEX UP THE DULL WORLD OF FOREX

THE THINGS that bored traders get up to when they get a minute, eh? The Capitalist chances upon an, err, enterprising website set up by a pair of forex traders, who claim to have cracked the conundrum of how to dispense a barrage of information to their peers while simultaneously holding their interest – by using the power of sex.

“Winning traders have to truly be information junkies but the information is dull, boring, slow and not the least bit sexy,” reads the blurb on the website, FoxyForex.com. “So one day, while pouring over the crush of current releases and reports, my partner and I thought, ‘What if we could get the info we need to trade from ridiculously hot girls?’

“We are not the only ones doing this, far from it. But we are the only ones doing it with April, Crystal, Jenna, Nicole… you get the picture.”

Unbelievably, they’re dead serious about the venture. A quick search around the website throws up semi-naked pictures and profiles of the “spokesmodels” – nestled alongside videos and blog posts from the girls on subjects such as the Fed’s decision to leave interest rates unchanged.

“Better than bunnies and talking money,” is the slogan flashing excitedly at the top of the page.

WINNING TORTOISE

The popularity of billionaire investor Warren Buffett, if it were ever in any doubt, has now achieved truly universal status.

The press down under in New Zealand have been getting all excited in recent days over a children’s book written by a Kiwi investment adviser, Lucas Remmerswaal, who’s based the kiddies’ tome on the ideas and principles of Buffett himself.

“The Tale of Tortoise Buffett and Trader Hare” apparently has the full blessing of the Berkshire Hathaway chief, who’s given his permission for Remmerswaal to use the information he dispenses to shareholders in letters each year.

In case anyone’s not familiar with the original tortoise-and-hare story, the plot has everything you’d expect from a cautionary tale penned shortly after the financial crisis. A greedy investor rushing off to secure loans he can’t afford? Check. A wise old financier sticking to his more leisurely guns and keeping to more traditional principles of investment? Check. A stock market crash and subsequent bankrupting of said greedy investor? Check. The sage of Omaha is probably polishing his halo at this very moment...

TELETUBBIES: EH-OH

Will Lord Mayor Nick Anstee and his delegation of business grandees have anybody at all waiting for them in the audience when they arrive at the Shanghai Expo early next month?

I only ask after hearing word of a peculiar entertainment line-up for the UK pavilion at the Chinese exhibition ahead of the arrival of the delegates, set to include LSE chairman Chris Gibson-Smith, Standard Life chairman Gerry Grimstone, Barclays vice-chairman Sir David Wright, Standard Chartered vice-chair Sir Thomas Harris and Mark Garvin, chairman of JP Morgan UK. Apparently, visitors to the pavilion in the days immediately preceding their arrival will be treated to performances by none other than the Teletubbies.

MEMORY LANE

A half year ticks by and we’re treated once again to the ramblings of Andrew Perloff, chairman of Panther Securities. Throughout his years at the helm of the group, Perloff’s humorous and varied tirades have gained him the dubious honour of the most-read chairman in the City, despite running a relative tiddler of a company.

Yesterday’s half year results were no different, with a rant about service and inflated prices at utility companies turning into a trip down memory lane, recalling his father’s purchase of a grand old pub in Margate. The boozer was where Perloff himself cut his teeth in the world of work, having been chosen from his siblings to pull pints for the locals of Kent due to his “cheerful demeanour, quick wit and adding up ability”.

“There was only one problem – I was 12 inches too short,” Perloff reminisces. “This problem was easily solved – I made a platform between the till and the beer pumps from four upturned solid beer crates. We were obviously exploited as child labour, but unfortunately we did not realise it as we were having such a wonderfully exciting, educationally useful fun time…”

All very heart-warming, to be sure – and the ramblings certainly do the job. By the end of the lengthy tale, The Capitalist had almost forgotten Panther swung into loss over the first half of the year.

ART OF SPIN

A lucrative coup for financial PR agency Tulchan, which yesterday sent out its first communications on behalf of its newest client – Canadian fertiliser firm PotashCorp, the target of the biggest takeover bid of the year.

“We’re delighted,” preens a Tulchan spinner. “This is a fascinating time for the company and a fascinating deal...”

Quite. Over on the other side, it’s business as usual: hostile bidder BHP Billiton has engaged Brunswick.