IKEA finds unappetising trace of the wrong kind of stools

FOLLOWING the ordeal of being dragged through display room after display room of a labyrinthine IKEA store by one’s significant other, even the most calorie-watching gym bunny would be tempted to tuck into the Scandinavian shop’s legendary cakes or meatballs.

Sadly both treats will be off the menu for a while now, it appears. Following the recent discovery of horsemeat in the chain’s meatballs in the Czech Republic, it was last night revealed that some of the firm’s chocolate almond cakes contained “coliform bacteria” – commonly found in human excrement. Ewww.

“Chinese customs officials have found coliform bacteria that exceeds limits and we have decided to stop the sales of these cakes in all markets,” an embarrassed spokesperson admitted.

■ There was an awkward clash in the City yesterday when insurance giants Aviva and Standard Life were both forced to cancel media events and rearrange calls that had been planned for tomorrow. After inadvertently deciding to release results on the same day, and having invited the same guests to the respective analyst gatherings, neither could win. So what was the outcome of the diary mishap? The Capitalist hears that analysts face multiple calls on Thursday – and what better way to put them in a good mood? An extra-early 6.30am start for the Standard Life conference call.