How to sell spades and avoid a knife in the back

It was 6.30am and the teams were on their way to the Science Museum for their next challenge. “It’s either going to be something to do with science or museums”, decided Jamie, showcasing the kind of mind they could have used at Bletchley Park. In fact this was the chocolate teapot challenge: teams pick through Innovations catalogue rejects to find some impressive amateur inventions to pitch to (as the BBC have it) “major retailers”.

Liz breaks records

But what to choose? The fitness contraption that splayed your legs and removed your dignity in one swift motion? The LED lined fencing mask that rejuvenates the skin?

No wonder both teams pounced on the Baby Glow, clothes than change colour when the baby gets too hot. Apollo grabbed that one, along with the body-sculpting T-shirt that promised to banish love handles. It was an interesting mix, taking them to both the UK’s biggest online baby shop and the sex shops of Soho.

On a more respectable note, Synergy took their choices (a two-handled shovel and an eco-shower) to Debenhams. A slight problem: Debenhams doesn’t stock showers or garden tools. Not to be deterred, Melissa ploughed on, choosing to overlook this minor detail. She later expressed surprise that the client thought she didn’t listen.

Team leader Jamie decided it was best for him to take over the pitches. Melissa didn’t take the relegation well. Sounding like an aggrieved teenager on the back of a bus she spat, “Don’t set to out to do me, I’m not having it”, before reasserting her pitching prowess. She sold a total of six spades.

With the emphasis on personal sales, the suspicion, rivalry and backbiting reached new heights. Despite some fine dirty tricks from Paloma, the star of the show was Liz, who suddenly burst into life after lying dormant for the first three episodes. She managed sales of £99,000 for the Baby Glow, breaking boardroom records and handed Apollo an easy victory.

Melissa ended up in the boardroom and faced a barrage of criticisms and dodgy metaphors. “You’re like a firework… you’re like a machine gun”, fumbled Jamie while Lord Sugar compared her to a knock-off DVD. He promptly fired her but he might have to answer to a higher power. Reflecting on her persecutors she announced, “Karmically they will be retributed. The universe speaks louder than I do.”