BP MAKES HEALTH AND SAFETY TOP PRIORITY

 
Steve Dinneen
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GIVEN BP’s recent misadventures in the Gulf of Mexico – and the subsequent $20bn (£12.6bn) it has sunk into a compensation fund – The Capitalist is relieved to note that safety is top of the agenda for visitors to BP’s offices.

Indeed, some may argue that BP has gone rather overboard with its ‘elf ‘n’ safety rules. Woe betide anyone attempting to use the stairs without taking a firm grasp of the bannister – an offence of this magnitude warrants a report to the duty manager.

Want to take a cup of coffee with you? Not unless it has a lid on it (although, presumably if the coffee was spilled, BP would be able to absorb the mess by throwing golf balls and human hair at it). And don’t even think about carrying something that requires more than one hand upstairs with you – how on earth would you be able to hold onto the bannister? That was the first rule!

A po-faced BP press officer refused to give The Capitalist a copy of the safety booklet. “In my experience, diary columns are meant to be funny and safety is very serious,” he said, in a PR flourish worthy of former boss Tony Hayward himself.

TRUE HIGH FLYER
The Capitalist naturally assumes that all its readers are high-flyers. But City girl Gisele Edwards (top right) stretches the point to extremes. The Asian stockmarket equity analyst leads a dramatic double-life as an aerial artist. She has wowed crowds above Trafalgar Square with death-defying stunts and even worked with sculptor Anthony Gormley.

If that wasn’t enough, Gisele is also a Mandarin-speaker, a composer and vocalist with her own funk fusion band and a ballet dancer who has performed with the National Chinese Ballet.

She read Chinese at Cambridge University and Islamic and Asian Art History at the School of Oriental and African Studies.

FIRED, AGAIN
Hamster-like defeated Apprentice candidate Alex Epstein (right) managed to raise his profile earlier this week by inadvertently trending on Twitter.

The hapless fired candidate sent a grovelling email to more than 700 media bosses asking for work as a pundit. Only problem was, he forgot to hide the email addresses. Cue a free-for-all of insults sent between the editors, including the choice: “I had the pleasure of receiving it twice. So that’s a double ‘no’ from me.”

ROMANCE IS DEAD
And on to one man who has no need for extra publicity. City stalwart David Buik amused his readers this week with his musings on modern relationships. Prompted by the 100-day countdown to the Royal wedding, Buik despairs of modern courtships that involve “See you at the pub at 8pm; the next round’s yours. Your share of dinner is £60 please and unless there is a bit of ‘nookie’ or ‘slap & tickle’ on offer, find your way home in a cab, gal!”

Not like Buik’s day… “I can’t get my head round this culture,” he grumbles.

A NOD TO HARD WORK
And finally, a nod to the intrepid graduate featured in City A.M. earlier this week. James Elgeti was pictured wearing a sandwich board promoting himself as a future City boy.

James told The Capitalist he now has several meetings set up and the chair of HSBC London Alumni has asked us to put him in touch with James. Well done, son.