BANKING CHEMISTRY GEEKS GET CREATIVE

THANK heaven for the idle pairs of hands which yesterday provided The Capitalist with the throatiest chuckle of the week.

Into the inbox popped a link that’s been doing the rounds in the City, containing a link to a “periodic table” – though not one that would be familiar to many from distant memories of school chemistry lessons.

Nah, this little beauty is a periodic table of swearing – with a full spectrum of profanities arranged in order of vehemence across a multi-coloured table, from the “heavy metals” on the left (read: the C and F words and derivative phrases) to the “light gases” on the right.

“A JPEG built, I believe, by some techies in the basement of a government owned bank,” the email states, mischievously. “I’m so glad they’re busy…”

LINE OF FIRE

Speaking of government-owned banks, RBS might be best advised to prepare for the worst on Monday as the climate change protesters camped outside its Gogarburn headquarters near Edinburgh gear up for a full day of demonstrations.

The standoff between eco-warriors and the bank – over its investments in oil, gas and mining projects – is far from new, you see. Seasoned veterans of the bank in the City will remember last year, when hundreds demonstrated inside and outside RBS’s Bishopsgate HQ, including super-gluing their hands to the floor of the foyer and stripping naked to hold up protest banners. Better start shoring up the defences, pronto.

TICKET TOUT

Another instalment in The Capitalist’s ongoing saga on bankers turning entrepreneurs in the wake of the crisis. Gareth Jenkins, who lived to tell the tale of his first-hand experience at Lehman Brothers a few years ago, left UBS to pursue his dream just last month.

He’s now set up Club Journeyman – a sports ticketing and corporate entertainment business – which plans to offer small to mid cap companies the same hospitality opportunities as their larger counterparts.

“I really enjoyed UBS but had a hankering to start up my own company – and now, I go to work every day and get to deal with the likes of Manchester United and Chelsea,” he gushes, having recently struck ticketing deals with the two clubs, the Millennium Stadium, Cheltenham Racecourse and the O2 Arena. Not bad for a rookie...

LEGS SEVEN

Cast your eyes over the above group of nutters from Deloitte, who have pledged to tackle over 1,100 miles on a seven-seater conference bike in aid of Cancer Research UK.

Led by consulting analyst Ed Grieg, the cyclists are aiming to set a new Guinness World Record for the highest number of riders taking part in a John O’Groats-to-Land’s End expedition on a single bike, with six people pedalling and one person steering the cumbersome contraption. They should be arriving in London later today – good luck to them, I say.

GOSSIP’S CORNER

Rumour of the week, courtesy – as always – of troubled broker Astaire Securities. I hear the firm’s Plus markets team are eager to escape the firm’s recent woes and are looking to complete an MBO – though they’re also open to the idea of a tie-up with a rival broker...