Alex fails to scrub up as apprentices get soapy

THIS week Christopher finally burst into life. Who? Well, it’s hard to say. You might have spotted him in the background but so far his input has been negligible. Last night was his moment to shine. So what was it that coaxed him into action? Was he biding his time all the while, observing and strategising? No, he was waiting for the pretty girls.

This was the TV advert challenge and the teams had to promote a new cleaning product. As team leader Christopher quickly cast himself in the ad and started casting for a wife. “It’s really important for me and the actress to have chemistry”, he purred. Such artistic integrity!

The ad was a sort of “Carry On Scrubbing”, combining regressive attitudes about gender roles with a bit of innuendo (and a woman dressed as an octopus). Nick despaired (acting as part Germaine Greer, part Media Studies teacher) while the advertising executives sat agog.

Ordinarily this sort of behaviour would have been enough to get the team hauled back into the boardroom but they were in luck – the other team was led by Alex.

Alex describes himself as a “brand storyteller” and had a little tale to tell about himself: “If I was in an apple pie, I’d be an orange”.

Sadly, when it came to the cleaning product he seemed to be suffering from writer’s block. With no other options, they went for The Germinator, a piece of punning that investment banker Chris was inordinately proud of.

While they avoided calls from Schwarzenegger’s lawyers, it was time to design the product; rather than the summer breezes usually evoked by cleaning products they emulated the aesthetic charms of a bottle of Swarfega.

The TV advert starred a child actor with a wavering American accent playing the Germinator. But even superheroes should read the label: not to be handled by children.

Back in the boardroom, there was nothing left to do but sit back and wait for Alex to talk himself out of a job as he ranted and blamed all around him. A victim of Lord Sugar (and the Germinator) Alex insisted, “I’m going to be successful. I’m going to found my own business, I don’t need him.”

In other words: “I’ll be back”.