NOW is the time to stand athwart history. Now is the time for a band of brothers to unite against the barbarian at the gates; now is the time to take up arms, to stand up (provided you’ve not drunk too much) against the skinny cocktail.
There's something to the slippery slope theory of change. A few months ago, I overheard someone in a generic coffee shop order a “wet cappuccino”. I assumed she was having Martini-flashbacks after pulling an all-nighter. But it turns out a wet cappuccino is a thing. Apparently, wet caps, for those in the know, have more steamed milk than frothed milk, while a dry caps... (you get the idea). The wet and dry cap infection is spreading. I know the customer is always king, but only if that customer isn’t a pretentious Canute.
Similarly, skinny cocktails are becoming a thing. Slowly but surely one of the last bastions of freedom – where ignorance really is bliss – is being subjected to a painful interrogation and autopsy. Calorie-counting and cocktails are fundamentally incompatible. If you suffer from the affliction of the former, I suggest you take a sabbatical alongside the Amazonian Pirahã tribe who can't (or perhaps can’t be bothered to) count past the number four.
This is how skinny cocktails are sold (it’s enough to make you order a wet cappuccino):
“For those watching their waistline the low-calorie “skinny” cocktails are a must-try.” The ultimate skinny solution to health-conscious fun with their range of lusciously low-calorie cocktails – with added health benefits to boot.”
“These cocktails are so skinny they can easily take on a slim-line gin and tonic in the calorie count stakes.”
It’s no coincidence the rise of the skinny cocktail coincides with encroaching prohibitions on smoking, sugar, fat, fizzy drinks and alcohol: the best things in life. Some aversion to risk is sensible – but don’t forget that to a large extent danger is correlated with having fun. The first line of civic disobedience against the calorie counters should be the piña colada – the antithesis of the skinny cocktail. Artesian at The Langham Hotel offers the best in town. Here’s how to make a Langham Colada:
24ml Koko Kanu rum
30ml pineapple juice
80ml coconut water
10ml sugar syrup
5ml cinnamon liqueur
l Combine ingredients and freeze in a slush machine. If making at home, double the sugar content and blend with ice.
2 Garnish with a cherry, dehydrated pineapple brushed with rum and sugar, a cocktail umbrella and a float of cinnamon liqueur (10ml).
3 Garnish with dehydrated pineapple.