April Fools Day 2016: From breast milk protein to McDonald's landing on the moon, here are the best, worst, laziest and weirdest fake tech stories

 
Edith Hancock
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Would you buy protein powder made with breast milk?

When in comes to April 1st, Britain's press officers like to break the boundaries of physics.

City A.M. has been drowning in scientific discoveries, technology advancements and new product launches ahead of April Fools, but did any of them catch you out?

Food for thought

Upmarket takeaway group Deliveroo has pledged to make eating a burrito even easier, as it intends to roll-out a "telapathic food ordering" service which will allow busy customers to bypass the hassle of swiping across a smartphone screen or pressing buttons.

According to "top scientists", Ordering food through the power of thought could be a reality within the next few years. An adhesive microchip,will attach to the user’s head and be remotely linked to their Deliveroo account.

The chip responds to "cranial electro pulses" which detect hunger. If the user thinks of Deliveroo, their account information will also be activated. From there, the app can work out what you're craving subconsciously, and your psychic order will be transmitted to the nearest driver, who can deliver it within 32 minutes.

Personal Trainers

If you're worried that constant orders from Deliveroo's subconscious service will hurt your diet, then Virgin Active's new line of "personal trainers" could help you keep on-track. The gym chain has announced it is branching into the fashion sector to launch a range of revolutionary new exercise trainers that scream at you to exercise more.

Messages include: “sweat is your fat crying”, “excuses don’t burn calories", and the very cheery “remember that person who gave up? No one else does either.”

The Royal Albert Hadron Collider

A "small hadron collider" has just been set up in the capital. The idea to create a UK hadron collider at the Royal Albert Hall was apparently suggested by Professor Brian Cox at a visit last year.

Folks at the venue say that on investigation, the Hall’s perfectly circular shape was found to be the optimum circumference to carry out particle collision experiments in the corridors.

Signs have gone up to warn staff about wandering particles.

A spokesman for CERN addressed journalists by video link this morning, saying: "when we heard that the Royal Albert Hall were attempting to replicate the collider, at first we were sceptical."

"That hasn’t really changed."

Failure to lunch

In what City A.M. believes to be the laziest April Fools day story so far, fast food giant McDonald’s announced plans to launch its first fully operational restaurant on the moon.

The build, which is expected to be finished in 2017, will be two stories high and equipped with a launch and landing pad.

McDonald’s will offer shuttles twice a day to and from the restaurant.

Pettable payment technology

Next week, a new law comes into effect requiring pet owners to embed identification microchips into their dogs. Seizing the opportunity for tech gags, US fintech firm ACI Worldwidesays it is launching a new payment card management system that allows you to add payment tokens to your pet's ID chip.

The firm says you'll never have to walk your dog or go to the supermarket again, as you can kill two birds with one stone and send your pet to the shops for you.

Breast-mode

Gym boffins regularly talk about going into "Beast-mode", where they block out the rest of the world for a particularly tough workout, but one organic supplement producer wants fitness freaks to go into breast-mode as it claims to be launching a line of protein powders made with human breast milk.

Apart from being high in protein, dairy and gluten-free, “Fed-By-Breast” will be very low in transfats, zero in dangerous bacteria and viruses and high in calcium, natural vitamins, minerals and immunoglobulins, according to supplement maker The Organic Protein Company. The firm is charging £100 for a 400g pouch, which it said is "extremely reasonable" considering the high value of human breast milk on the black market.

Don't ask.

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