What an incredible year it’s been for science and technology. No frontier has been left unexplored. No bar unraised. No envelope unpushed.
Not only did we invent a new type of motorised skateboard that spontaneously bursts into flames, but Apple made a really big iPad and now our watches shout at us for being unhealthy. And since Tuesday there’s a British man called Tim who lives in space. You can tweet a picture of your lunch at him.
Truly, we are barreling headlong into a beautiful and unknowable future, one in which our limp and sleeping bodies are ferried to and from our offices by a fleet of helpful flying drones. But what will 2016 bring? What new wonders await us in the new year?
As your trusted techspurt, I alone am gifted with the insight required to peer into this misty futurescape. To reach boldly into the world of tomorrow and pluck from it my five tech predictions for 2016.
If even a single one of them does not come to pass, I will hurl my useless body off a cliff and never be heard from again. That is my solemn promise to you, the reader.
LOADS MORE DRONES, FILLING THE SKY, BLOTTING OUT THE SUN
Flying drones are old hat. Expect 2016 to usher in a brave new era of burrowing drones, swimming drones, and at least one kind of drone you can swallow and control remotely as it explores the farthest reaches of your intestines, while beaming live video to all of your Skype contacts.
INCREASINGLY SPECIFIC APPS FOR THE MOST MENIAL OF TASKS
You can already get an app for your toothbrush that, at a glance, can tell you whether or not you’re currently brushing your teeth. Next year, expect an app for literally every other thing you do. Toastr will send you a friendly tweet when your toast is ready. MySofa will let you remotely disable your couch in an emergency. And Trousr will play a celebratory jingle through every speaker in the house whenever you take off, put on, or pick up a pair of trousers.
A NEW MOBILE PHONE
Following on the from the huge success of the last mobile phone, there will be a brand new mobile phone released in 2016. It will have a touchscreen, SMS, and a jaunty new ringtone that sources say is just on the right side of cheeky.
EVERYBODY CAN HAVE A QUICK GO IN SPACE IF TIM SAYS IT’S OK
British astronaut Tim Peake will return to Earth following his mission to explore space. Assuming he says it’s alright up there, we’ll all be allowed to take turns going up.
A TAMAGOTCHI COMEBACK
While it’s true that I have predicted the comeback of the Tamagotchi every year since 2003, this year I am 99 per cent certain that the virtual pet keyring is due the massive resurgence it deserves.