Peeple, the controversial new rating app that’s been dubbed “Yelp for people”, launches this week amid concerns that giving star ratings to fellow human beings is unethical, creepy and will render us all vulnerable to a horrifying new realm of online abuse the likes of which the internet has never seen.
Which is all well and good, but how else are you supposed to assess your self-worth, if not by polling everybody you know and asking them to review your soul, online and for everyone to see? Introspection is too much like hard work, so to trial the Peeple concept I’ve instead asked my friends and colleagues to rate me in five categories of my own choosing. Here are the results.
★ ★ ★ ☆ ☆
“While out foraging one evening, Steve hit a fox with his car. He got out, seemingly to help the animal, but instead he picked the stricken creature up and said ‘I meant to do this and I’m glad this happened, let it be known that this dying fox delights me’. Poor form, in my opinion. Just three stars from me.”
USING A DYSON AIRBLADE PROPERLY
★ ★ ★ ★ ☆
“The man knows his way around a hand dryer, and no mistake. First he slides his wet hands in from the side and then, and this is key, he very slowly draws them upwards over the course of about ten seconds. Then he’s done. Dry as a bone. None of this rapid up and down stuff.”
★ ★ ☆☆ ☆
“Steve once gathered several dozen people to the top of a hill under the pretence that he would perform a somersault. When we all got there, he said he’d tired himself out doing double and triple somersaults earlier that day at home, and that he wouldn’t be doing any more somersaults today. To be honest I’m beginning to doubt he can do a somersault at all.”
PICKING UP AFTER MYSELF
★ ★ ★ ☆ ☆
“I once saw Steve, his mouth filled with eggs for some reason, deliberately tip over a basket of tennis balls in a Sports Direct. He spent several hours picking up each ball and placing it back into the basket. The word hero is thrown around a lot these days, but yeah, he inspires me.”
★ ☆ ☆☆☆
“I’ve witnessed Steve placing boiled egg after boiled egg into his mouth while on his way to a sporting goods store. He was riding one of those weird hoverboard things. He wasn’t actually swallowing the eggs. Maybe he was storing them? I’m giving him one star.”